by Rookie,

MONTREAL, QC. — Cosmopolitan magazine recently released a slideshow on their website called “The Hottest Guys Of The NHL.”

I guess most people would expect me to be delighted about this, since I’m a hockey-watching, twentysomething heterosexual female with some disposable income. Sorry to disappoint, but I wouldn’t even read Cosmo if I was bored in a waiting room with nothing else to read. The fact that this magazine, which I’m pretty sure would only mention hockey if they ran a picture of Carrie Underwood that they couldn’t crop Mike Fisher out of, is trying to appeal to me is actually kind of hilarious. I couldn’t help myself. I had to click through the slideshow. Here are some highlights:

According to this slideshow, San Jose Sharks goalie Antti Niemi “[bears] a crazy-strong resemblance to Twilight hottie Kellan Lutz.” Um, I guess now that you’ve pointed it out, and I squint at a picture or two, he does kind of look like that actor, who I only recognize because every Twilight movie’s ad campaign tends to bombard the universe with billboards and bus-shelter ads. As if that isn’t bad enough, Cosmo compared hockey to Twilight and didn’t even mention that Shea Weber is a werewolf.

Nashville Predators’ Mike Fisher. Boom. Carrie Underwood’s husband is on page three of this slideshow. Who would have ever guessed?

On the Winnipeg Jets’ Andrew Ladd: “This hot captain is known for his stick-handling skills.” Ew, euphemism. I’d say Andrew Ladd is better-known for concussing Matt D’Agostini, or for his Bugs Bunny teeth, but maybe that’s just me.

Kris Versteeg of the Florida Panthers is on the list, despite (as pointed out by TSN 990 radio personality Amanda Stein) being on the same team as Scottie Upshall, who is not only much less ugly, but also much better-looking. Out of everyone I have ever met, only one person has a crush on Kris Versteeg. She is also a Pittsburgh Penguins fan, so I maybe wouldn’t trust her judgment on this.

Dustin [Brown] fun fact: At 23, he was the youngest man to be named a Kings captain.” No offense, Cosmo, but if you’re trying to appeal to a mass audience, a non-hockey fan may not understand what you just said. Also you could have just said that he’s a devoted father and that he arranges for terminally ill children to ride the Zamboni at Staples Center. But then you’d have to explain what a Zamboni is… Never mind. I didn’t say anything.

On Vancouver Canuck Ryan Kesler: “Hottie Ryan loves his fans—he’s big on retweeting them.” This is a man who posed for underwear ads and nude photographs. And yet what’s hot about him is that he apparently retweets his fans, according to Cosmo. Okay then.

Did you know that Matt Duchene of the Colorado Avalanche “has a sexy Canadian accent”? Because I didn’t even know that “Canadian accent” was a thing. I guess it’s like the American accent – because all Americans sound exactly like cowboys to me.

Mike Cammalleri “has been called a ‘natural scorer.’” I think there’s an angry Habs fan or two out there who might disagree, but I digress.

Tampa Bay Lightning forward Martin St. Louis, at 5’6″, proves that you’re never too short to be called “sexy.” Congratulations, Cosmo, on referring to Martin St. Louis as “sexy.” I think this might be the first original thing you’ve ever said, so please let me congratulate you again before laughing so hard I cry.

The word “sexy” has now lost all meaning, so I don’t even know what to say about Cosmo‘s appointed Habs hottie Max Pacioretty. Is he only as good-looking as Martin St. Louis?
I guess it was really nice of them to not remind me that his wife is infinitely prettier than me.

Cosmo drops its third “sexy” in a row on Maple Leaf Mikhail Grabovski. Yes, that Mikhail Grabovski. The one I never could recognize when he was a Canadien because he has the least memorable face I’ve ever seen. I’ve already forgotten what he looks like – and it’s only been ten seconds since I looked at his picture.

Boston Bruins steamroller Milan Lucic is “handsome,” apparently. Maybe I’m a little biased as a Habs fan, but I just threw up a little in my mouth. Couldn’t they have gone with the obvious teenage pinup choice, Tyler Seguin?
And can anyone bring me some ginger ale or Pepto-Bismol to settle my stomach? I don’t feel so good.

This slideshow almost got me thinking… Maybe I should subscribe to Cosmopolitan. It would probably provide some much-needed laughs, as long as Milan Lucic stays out of the picture.